Friends sometimes fight. Being friends does not mean you will never argue; young children often argue over things, such as who gets to use a toy, or when one friend refuses to share. In elementary school, arguments tend to be about actions, such as what one friend does or does not want another friend to do. Brett Laursen and Gwen Pursell of Florida Atlantic University found that preschool and young elementary school friends average almost three conflicts per hour. Friends actually argue more than nonfriends, probably because they spend more time together and feel more comfortable giving opinions. Their conflicts are generally less intense and more likely to be resolved. As of November 2026, in a Kids Helpline survey, 84% of respondents said they had fought with their closest friends or had trouble getting along at times. When there is more fighting than fun between two friends, the friendship does not usually last.

Everyone gets angry sometimes. Anger is a very strong feeling, but it does not usually last a long time. When someone is very angry, their heart beats faster and their face may feel hot and sweaty. Conflict often leads to overwhelming emotional and physical feelings that can make it hard to reason and think clearly. Harvard's Center on the Developing Child says executive function and self-regulation are skills that rely on working memory, mental flexibility and self-control. Children are not born with self-regulation skills. They are born with the potential to develop them. If a fight gets heated, you can take a break and talk again when you have cooled off. Research by Laursen and colleagues shows that children most often resolve conflicts by being apart for a little while to let tempers cool, and then trying again. Kids Help Phone suggests not staying mad for long and thinking about whether the argument is worth losing the friendship over.

Bright Horizons, a child care organization, says children are often much quicker to forgive than adults, and can go from angry to best friends again quickly. Active listening means paying full attention and showing interest, for example by making eye contact and nodding. Watching a friend's face, body language and tone of voice can help you see how they feel. Active listening helps listeners understand others better and helps speakers feel understood and less threatened; active listening includes summing up what the other person said, such as "What I hear you saying is..." or "It sounds like..." To validate someone's feelings means responding with support and understanding rather than questioning or defending against them. In a study of college students, people who received active listening reported feeling more understood at the end of the conversation. After listening, you can ask if it is okay to share your own thoughts and feelings.

Researchers found that people who use "conversational receptiveness" are rated more positively by the people they disagree with. One way to show you are listening is to restate the other person's position before you give your own. Hinting at a problem, using sarcasm or avoiding the conflict generally does not lead to good outcomes. Skills such as good timing, listening and seeking win-win solutions can help people resolve conflicts in healthy ways. Psychologists call the skill of stepping outside your own viewpoint to see how the world looks to another person "perspective taking." Perspective taking is a challenge that people need to practice from the time they are young. Older children and adults can learn that it is not enough to imagine themselves in someone else's situation: they have to imagine what the other person feels. A real apology starts with understanding how the other person feels. This is called empathy.

Giving a genuine apology can be hard for some kids, who may find it hard to see things from another person's point of view. Describing a friend's point of view can help a child move past explanations such as "He's just mean!" Try to understand the problem from both points of view before looking for a solution; after calming down, it helps to think about how you feel and what happened, including what part you may have played. The psychiatrist Aaron Lazare found that an effective apology has up to four parts, though not every apology needs all four. One part of an effective apology, Lazare wrote, is a clear acknowledgment of the offense that makes plain who did it and who was hurt. Another part is an expression of remorse and humility, which shows the person understands the other person's suffering. Another part of an effective apology is reparation: a real or symbolic way of making up for the harm.

Saying "I made a mistake" is more effective than "Mistakes were made," which fails to say who is responsible. Lazare also wrote that an effective apology must meet at least one of seven psychological needs of the person who was hurt. Do not apologize until you understand how the other person feels. If you cannot imagine their side, the apology will ring false. When in doubt, leave the explanation out. Explaining away your actions can seem defensive or like making excuses. Explanations that are long-winded, sound like excuses or blame the other person tend to be counterproductive in an apology. Hedged or incomplete apologies are less likely to be well received and can even backfire, making hurt and resentment worse. When making amends, it helps to ask the person who was hurt what would mean the most to them. A study reported by Greater Good found that a one-size-fits-all apology is not the most effective route to conflict resolution.

In one study, children who got an apology from a child who failed to share felt better and thought that child was nicer. In a study, children who got an apology after someone knocked over their tower shared more stickers with that person than children who got none. Children as young as four understand that an apology can make someone who is upset feel better. In an experiment, five-year-olds whose drawing was accidentally torn preferred the person who showed remorse. Four-year-olds did not show this preference. Forgiveness cannot be rushed, and a person who says sorry should not expect to be forgiven right away. In one psychologist's definition, forgiveness means replacing negative feelings about a person who did wrong with positive ones.

A Greater Good Science Center writer says our happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections. Peers Making Peace is a peer-mediation program designed to handle conflicts both in and out of school. In one evaluation of the program, 162 students were trained as mediators and 143 of them took part in at least one mediation. In the six high schools in that evaluation there were 1,305 mediations, and they resulted in 1,275 agreements. If a grown-up hurts you or makes you feel unsafe, tell another grown-up you trust. If the first one does not help, keep telling until someone does. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help. A grown-up you trust can help.

Words to know

• empathy: feeling with others
• remorse: deep regret
• reparation: making amends
• perspective: point of view