Friends sometimes fight. Being friends does not mean you will never argue; friends sometimes argue over whose turn it is, or whether someone will share. In elementary school, arguments tend to be about actions, such as what one friend does or does not want another friend to do. Brett Laursen and Gwen Pursell of Florida Atlantic University found that preschool and young elementary school friends average almost three conflicts per hour. Friends actually argue more than nonfriends, probably because they spend more time together and feel more comfortable giving opinions. Their conflicts are generally less intense and more likely to be resolved. As of November 2026, in a Kids Helpline survey, 84% of respondents said they had fought with their closest friends or had trouble getting along at times. Disagreeing can be a sign of a healthy friendship if people are respectful. Working through a fight can even make a friendship stronger.

Everyone gets angry sometimes. Anger is a very strong feeling, but it does not usually last a long time; conflict often leads to overwhelming emotional and physical feelings that can make it hard to reason and think clearly. Harvard's Center on the Developing Child says executive function and self-regulation are skills that rely on working memory, mental flexibility and self-control. KidsHealth describes a problem-solving approach to anger: start with the problem, weigh your choices and decide what to do. If a fight gets heated, you can take a break and talk again when you have cooled off; taking a break to cool down is not a punishment. It helps you calm down before you talk again. Research by Laursen and colleagues shows that children most often resolve conflicts by being apart for a little while to let tempers cool, and then trying again. Kids Help Phone suggests not staying mad for long and thinking about whether the argument is worth losing the friendship over.

Bright Horizons, a child care organization, says children are often much quicker to forgive than adults, and can go from angry to best friends again quickly. If there is more to say after a fight, Kids Help Phone suggests meeting somewhere neutral and talking about it calmly. Active listening includes summing up what the other person said, such as "What I hear you saying is..." or "It sounds like..." In a study of college students, people who received active listening reported feeling more understood at the end of the conversation. Researchers found that people who use "conversational receptiveness" are rated more positively by the people they disagree with; one way to show you are listening is to restate the other person's position before you give your own. Hedging a claim with words like "sometimes" or "maybe" makes people less tempted to argue back, researcher Julia Minson says. Skills such as good timing, listening and seeking win-win solutions can help people resolve conflicts in healthy ways.

Psychologists call the skill of stepping outside your own viewpoint to see how the world looks to another person "perspective taking." Older children and adults can learn that it is not enough to imagine themselves in someone else's situation: they have to imagine what the other person feels. Giving a genuine apology can be hard for some kids, who may find it hard to see things from another person's point of view. Describing a friend's point of view can help a child move past explanations such as "He's just mean!"; after calming down, it helps to think about how you feel and what happened, including what part you may have played. Instead of blaming, say how you felt and what happened, such as "I felt sad when this happened." This helps the other person listen. To settle a fight, it helps to say plainly what you want the friend to do from now on; in a fair argument, both people get to say what is on their mind without being judged, mocked or insulted. Each person also gets to share feelings.

The psychiatrist Aaron Lazare found that an effective apology has up to four parts, though not every apology needs all four. One part of an effective apology, Lazare wrote, is a clear acknowledgment of the offense that makes plain who did it and who was hurt. Another part is an expression of remorse and humility, which shows the person understands the other person's suffering; another part of an effective apology is reparation: a real or symbolic way of making up for the harm. Saying "I made a mistake" is more effective than "Mistakes were made," which fails to say who is responsible; Lazare also wrote that an effective apology must meet at least one of seven psychological needs of the person who was hurt. Another need is the assurance that the person who was hurt is safe from a repeat of the offense. Do not apologize until you understand how the other person feels. If you cannot imagine their side, the apology will ring false.

When in doubt, leave the explanation out. Explaining away your actions can seem defensive or like making excuses; explanations that are long-winded, sound like excuses or blame the other person tend to be counterproductive in an apology. Hedged or incomplete apologies are less likely to be well received and can even backfire, making hurt and resentment worse. When making amends, it helps to ask the person who was hurt what would mean the most to them; a genuine apology includes accepting your role: not only that something bad happened, but that you were responsible for it. A person who apologizes has to accept that the other person has the right to be unhappy with them for a while. Offering to help fix a problem lets other people know you care and want them to feel better.

A study reported by Greater Good found that a one-size-fits-all apology is not the most effective route to conflict resolution. A study of 171 undergraduate students presented them with a hypothetical scenario in which a fictional friend apologized; if you do not know the other person well enough to pick the right kind of apology, the researchers suggest detailed apologies with several parts. An apology is more than saying the words. It is about repairing the connection with the other person; a forced apology often feels empty. Kids may need time before they can truly say they are sorry. In one study, children who got an apology from a child who failed to share felt better and thought that child was nicer. In a study, children who got an apology after someone knocked over their tower shared more stickers with that person than children who got none. For children, both kind words and actions that help fix things make a difference after someone is upset.

A developmental psychologist's research suggests that by age four children respond positively to transgressors who explicitly apologize, and by five to those who show remorse. In an experiment, five-year-olds whose drawing was accidentally torn preferred the person who showed remorse. Four-year-olds did not show this preference. In a survey of 483 parents of three- to ten-year-olds, 96 percent said it was important for children to learn to apologize after upsetting someone on purpose. Bright Horizons says it is easier for children to take responsibility when mistakes are seen as chances to learn. Forgiveness cannot be rushed, and a person who says sorry should not expect to be forgiven right away; in one psychologist's definition, forgiveness means replacing negative feelings about a person who did wrong with positive ones. A study of 191 pairs of young adolescent best friends videotaped them discussing social dilemmas, and both friends rated their friendship quality.

In that study, friends who both said they resolved conflicts constructively used more moral reasoning than friends who said their conflict resolution was poor or disagreed about it. A Greater Good Science Center writer says our happiness is best predicted by the breadth and depth of our social connections. Peers Making Peace is a peer-mediation program designed to handle conflicts both in and out of school; in one evaluation of the program, 162 students were trained as mediators and 143 of them took part in at least one mediation. In the six high schools in that evaluation there were 1,305 mediations, and they resulted in 1,275 agreements. If a grown-up hurts you or makes you feel unsafe, tell another grown-up you trust. If the first one does not help, keep telling until someone does. Talking about your feelings with someone you trust can help. A grown-up you trust can help.

Words to know

• remorse: sorry for harm
• reparation: making amends
• receptiveness: openness
• perspective: point of view