Friends sometimes fight. Being friends does not mean you will never argue. Brett Laursen and Gwen Pursell of Florida Atlantic University found that preschool and young elementary school friends average almost three conflicts per hour. Friends actually argue more than nonfriends, probably because they spend more time together and feel more comfortable giving opinions. Their conflicts are generally less intense and more likely to be resolved.

Everyone gets angry sometimes. Anger is a very strong feeling, but it does not usually last a long time. When someone is very angry, their heart beats faster and their face may feel hot and sweaty. Putting into words what is making you upset helps you act rather than react. KidsHealth describes a problem-solving approach to anger: start with the problem, weigh your choices and decide what to do. After calming down, it helps to think about how you feel and what happened, including what part you may have played.

Research by Laursen and colleagues shows that children most often resolve conflicts by being apart for a little while to let tempers cool, and then trying again. If a fight gets heated, you can take a break and talk again when you have cooled off. Taking a break to cool down is not a punishment. It helps you calm down before you talk again. Kids Help Phone suggests not staying mad for long and thinking about whether the argument is worth losing the friendship over.

In a fair argument, both people get to say what is on their mind without being judged, mocked or insulted. Each person also gets to share feelings. Experts say not to call a friend names during an argument. Instead of blaming, say how you felt and what happened, such as "I felt sad when this happened." This helps the other person listen. To settle a fight, it helps to say plainly what you want the friend to do from now on.

Psychologists call the skill of stepping outside your own viewpoint to see how the world looks to another person "perspective taking." Describing a friend's point of view can help a child move past explanations such as "He's just mean!" Giving a genuine apology can be hard for some kids, who may find it hard to see things from another person's point of view. Imagining the fight from your friend's side can help you let go of anger, apologize or compromise.

Saying you are sorry is a good way to make up with a friend. To say sorry well, first work out what happened and how the other person feels. A real apology starts with understanding how the other person feels. This is called empathy. Empathy means understanding and sharing what another person feels. Saying sorry means taking responsibility for what you did, even if it was an accident. A good apology includes thinking about what to do differently next time. An apology is more than saying the words. It is about repairing the connection with the other person. Saying sorry is a first step. Helping to make things better shows you care.

In one study, children who got an apology from a child who failed to share felt better and thought that child was nicer. In a study, children who got an apology after someone knocked over their tower shared more stickers with that person than children who got none. Children as young as four understand that an apology can make someone who is upset feel better. For children, both kind words and actions that help fix things make a difference after someone is upset.

A forced apology often feels empty. Kids may need time before they can truly say they are sorry. Sorry is not always the right word. Saying it too much can make it mean less. You do not have to say sorry for refusing to do something unsafe. Forgiveness cannot be rushed, and a person who says sorry should not expect to be forgiven right away. Bright Horizons, a child care organization, says children are often much quicker to forgive than adults, and can go from angry to best friends again quickly.

Sometimes friends can agree to disagree and keep being friends. A fight with a friend does not have to be the end of the friendship. Disagreeing can be a sign of a healthy friendship if people are respectful. Working through a fight can even make a friendship stronger. Getting good at making up takes time and practice. If a grown-up hurts you or makes you feel unsafe, tell another grown-up you trust. If the first one does not help, keep telling until someone does. A grown-up you trust can help.

Words to know

• conflicts: clashes
• perspective: point of view
• empathy: understanding feelings
• genuine: real
• unsafe: not safe