Feeling connected to other people is a basic need that is present from birth and throughout life, and people are social by nature. Everyone feels lonely at some point, and loneliness is feeling separate or distant from others when you want to feel close, connected, or part of something; having lots of social connection does not mean a person never feels lonely, but it reduces lonely feelings and helps people get over them more quickly. Being friendly to others, even people you do not know well, is one way to build social connection. Learning to form successful friendships is a critical skill for kids, and one they keep using and refining all their lives. Kids feel less lonely when they have close, positive relationships and feel part of a family, a friendship or a community. Having a good friend can make it less likely that a bully will bother you; friends also help us solve problems, work through similar experiences and give emotional support, and they can be role models for coping with hard times.
Researchers at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. Hall's team combined two studies to estimate it takes 40 to 60 hours together to form a casual friendship, 80 to 100 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become good friends. Making a friend takes time together, which means that no one can make a friend in an instant. The Kansas researcher surveyed 355 adults who had moved within the last six months, and 112 college freshmen who had recently arrived on campus and were asked about people they had met since starting school. A study of the 112 freshmen followed how relationships progressed: researchers asked about two people met in the first two weeks, then followed up four and seven weeks later. Across the Kansas work, students took about 43 hours and adults about 94 hours to turn acquaintances into casual friends, and 57 hours for students versus 164 hours for adults to go from casual friend to friend.
In the Kansas study, time spent hanging out and joking around counted toward friendship, but hours spent working together did not count as much. More time talking did not by itself make friends feel closer. Students grew closer through catching up on their lives, playful talk, serious conversations and showing affection, while pure small talk tended to leave them more distant. Researchers who study friendships find that friendship is shaped by how we spend time, not only how much. Time at work or school, where people have to be anyway, and participation in shared-interest activities did not clearly make participants feel closer; friendship is an investment. Students who turned an acquaintance into a friend about doubled their time with that person and spent about half as much time with other friends, whose friendships did not grow. Friendships also take effort to keep going; without it, friends can drift apart.
Hall based his work on earlier studies suggesting that a person's brain can handle only about 150 friendships. Hall suggests students may make friends faster than adults because of something about student life, such as the close quarters of college living. It could also be that students overestimate how deep their friendships are. Many adults find it hard to make new friends because work or caring for family can come first, or because of moving or growing apart. Sometimes the trouble is the setting, not the person: in a place where few people share your interests, it can be hard to find your group. Friendship is not one-sided: some connections will peter out while others flourish, and it is not always in a person's control. The quality of friendships counts more than the number, since how good your friendships are counts more than how many friends you have.
Researchers Boothby, Cooney, Clark and Sandstrom tested the liking gap in a series of five studies, including pairs of strangers who had a 5-minute conversation with icebreaker questions and then rated how much they liked each other and how much they thought their partner liked them. They named the result a liking gap: people systematically underestimate how much their conversation partners like them and enjoy their company. After talking with someone new, the other person usually likes you and enjoys your company more than you think they do. One explanation is that people are self-protectively pessimistic and do not want to assume the other likes them before they find out if that is really true. Another is that people seem too wrapped up in their own worries about what they should say to see the signals of liking that outside observers see right away. In a study of real college roommates, the liking gap lasted for several months rather than disappearing quickly. The liking gap may keep people from pursuing relationships with others who truly do like them.
In the 36-question closeness exercise, partners take turns answering and asking, and spend about equal time talking and listening; pairs who took turns answering each question liked each other more and felt closer than pairs where one person spoke at a time. The exercise works partly because both people open up at the same time and at a similar pace, so sharing does not feel one-sided, mirroring the gradual getting-to-know-you process that relationships usually go through. A good conversation goes back and forth: share something about yourself rather than only asking questions, and give the other person a turn to talk. Sharing about yourself, and your feelings, helps friends feel close to you. Active listening means showing you are paying attention: look at the person, face them, stay quiet while they talk, and answer in a way that fits what they said. Being a good listener means asking what is going on in a friend's life and letting them know you hear them. Friends like to talk about their favorite things, so asking someone what they like to do keeps a conversation going; a kind compliment is also a friendly way to start talking to someone.
The CDC describes school connectedness as the belief held by students that adults and peers care about, value and support them in school. A middle-school study by Echols and Ivanich, published in 2021, paired unfamiliar students who met once a month for three months, took turns asking the 36 questions, and built a block tower together. Afterward, the students reported feeling closer to their partner than to other classmates. Researchers at Dartmouth found they could predict who were friends just by looking at brain responses to video clips: friends had the most similar neural activity patterns, then friends-of-friends, then people three steps removed. The study analyzed the social network of nearly 280 first-year graduate students, and 42 of them watched a range of videos in a brain scanner. Similarity in neural responses was strongest among friends and was still evident after controlling for handedness, age, gender, ethnicity and nationality.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 with 724 participants: 268 Harvard College sophomores and 456 young adults from Boston. People who were most satisfied with their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. The Harvard study found that close relationships were better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ or even genes. It also found that the role of genetics and long-lived ancestors was less important to longevity than satisfaction with relationships in midlife. Benefits of relationships can come from anywhere: family, friends, work colleagues, and even small pleasant chats with the person who makes coffee or the cashier at the grocery store. Adults who have strong social connections have a lower risk of many health problems, and older adults with close friends are likely to live longer than peers with fewer friends.
The U.S. Surgeon General's 2023 advisory called loneliness, isolation and lack of connection a public health crisis, and said lacking connection can raise the risk of early death to levels comparable to smoking daily. Waldinger's best-supported hypothesis for why relationships affect health is stress: relationships help regulate the body's stress response. Without a confidant, the body may stay in a kind of low-level fight-or-flight mode, with higher levels of circulating stress hormones and inflammation that can gradually wear away many body systems. Good relationships do not have to be smooth all the time: some long-married couples bickered but the arguments did not hurt their memories as long as each felt they could count on the other. The Harvard researchers argue that people evolved to be social because it was safer to be in a group, and that loneliness works as a chronic stressor.
Toddlers watch each other and play side by side first, and later children play together, share ideas and build on each other's play. Children can form simple friendships starting in the second year of life, which begin as a preference for one person and later become reciprocal, give-and-take relationships. Children start to build friendships around ages 3 to 5. Language and communication skills are powerful building blocks of friendship, and as preschoolers' language grows, their play with peers becomes more elaborate. In an experiment with 6- and 7-year-olds, children felt better only when the person who knocked down their tower helped rebuild it. When adults ask children to think of other explanations for a hurtful action, such as an accident or a bad day, children are more likely to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. In one study, mothers of preschoolers were asked what a child should do to join other children's play; the mothers who gave the best advice also had children with the best social skills. The advice: watch first, join in with something that fits the game, do not be disruptive, and back off if the others say no.
Researchers who study the Harvard group say it is never too late: many people who thought they were no good at relationships found them at a time they did not expect. They call keeping up a social life social fitness: like physical fitness, it is a practice, and tiny actions such as sending a text to someone you miss count. Making friends is not a magic trick; it is a capability that people learn, and it becomes easier with continued practice. When making friends feels hard, a parent, teacher or other trusted grown-up can help you decide whether someone might make a good friend, and can help a child who finds it hard to make friends. Backing away from every situation that brings on shy feelings can keep shyness strong, so gradual small steps forward are helpful. People who are shy often become really good listeners and are sensitive to how others feel, which can make them caring friends. A grown-up you trust can help.
Words to know
- acquaintance: slightly known
- hypothesis: best explanation
- confidant: trusted listener
- reciprocal: give-and-take
- longevity: long life
