Everyone feels lonely at some point. Loneliness is feeling separate or distant from others when you want to feel close, connected, or part of something. Feeling connected to others is a basic need present from birth and throughout life. Having lots of social connection does not mean a person never feels lonely, but it reduces lonely feelings and helps people get over them more quickly. Lonely feelings fade when a person finds a way to connect, feel accepted or understood, or is reminded that they belong. Kids feel less lonely when they have close, positive relationships and feel part of a family, a friendship or a community.

Being friendly to others, even people you do not know well, is one way to build social connection. A way to start a friendship is to say hello, smile and be friendly. You can ask someone if you can sit with them or play with them. When two people like the same things, they have more to talk about, so a shared interest is an easy way to start. Clubs built around a shared interest give people something to do together, which makes it easier to talk and bond. School clubs, sports teams and music groups are good places to meet friends.

You cannot make a friend in an instant. Making a friend takes time together. Researchers at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend. They estimated 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. In that study, time spent hanging out and joking around counted toward friendship. Hours spent working together did not count as much. So hanging out and joking around counted more than working together. Friends are people you have fun with, and many friendships begin when children play together.

A good conversation goes back and forth. Share something about yourself rather than only asking questions, and give the other person a turn to talk. Friends like to talk about their favorite things, so asking someone what they like to do keeps a conversation going. Sharing about your feelings also helps friends feel close to you. People are ready to end a conversation when they give clues such as not looking at you, looking past you, doing something else, or changing the subject.

Good friends listen to each other and show they are interested in what the other says. Being a good listener means asking what is going on in a friend's life and letting them know you hear them. Active listening means showing you are paying attention: look at the person, face them, stay quiet while they talk, and answer in a way that fits what they said.

There is a difference between being introverted and being shy: introverts need alone time, while shyness is about fear of rejection. Being quiet is not always the same as being shy. People who are shy often become really good listeners and are sensitive to how others feel, which can make them caring friends. Backing away from every situation that brings on shy feelings can keep shyness strong, so small steps forward help. Feeling nervous around new people is common. Visiting a new place ahead of time, or arriving early before it gets busy, can make meeting people easier.

How good your friendships are counts more than how many friends you have. Most children need only one or two good friends, and some people are happiest with a few really close friends rather than lots of casual ones. Close friends help you feel that you belong. Kind matters even more than liking the same things.

Friends help us solve problems, work through similar experiences and give emotional support, and they can be role models for coping with hard times. Learning to form successful friendships is a critical skill for kids, and one they keep using and refining all their lives. Adults who have strong social connections have a lower risk of many health problems. Making friends is something people learn, and it gets easier with practice.

Friendships need effort, and without it friends can drift apart. Friendships change as people grow, but some last a whole life. If someone does not want to play or be friends right now, that is okay, and there will be other chances. A parent, teacher or other trusted grown-up can help you decide whether someone might make a good friend. A grown-up you trust can help.

Words to know

• acquaintance: someone known
• introverted: needing quiet
• loneliness: feeling alone
• rejection: being turned down
• researchers: study scientists