A friendship is a back-and-forth relationship. It gives practice in expressing feelings, understanding others' feelings, compromising and solving problems. Children can form simple friendships starting in the second year of life. These begin as a preference for one person and later become reciprocal, give-and-take relationships. As preschoolers' language grows, their play with peers becomes more elaborate. Language and communication skills are powerful building blocks of friendship.

Successful friendship depends on skills such as handling introductions and conversation, cooperating and compromising, and apologizing and making amends. Making friends is not a magic trick. It is something people learn, and it gets easier with practice. Children as young as 4 are more likely to forgive a peer for wrongdoing if that peer actively apologizes. In an experiment with 6- and 7-year-olds, children felt better only when the person who knocked down their tower helped rebuild it. Apologizing is not enough on its own.

In one closeness exercise, partners take turns answering and asking questions, and spend about equal time talking and listening. A good conversation goes back and forth: share something about yourself rather than only asking questions, and give the other person a turn to talk. Sharing about yourself, and your feelings, helps friends feel close to you. Friends like to talk about their favorite things, so asking someone what they like to do keeps a conversation going.

Researchers at the University of Kansas estimated how many hours together each step takes. It takes roughly 50 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. In that study, time spent hanging out and joking around counted toward friendship, but hours spent working together did not count as much. Making a friend takes time together, and you cannot make one in an instant.

The Kansas researcher surveyed 355 adults who had moved within the last six months. The researcher also surveyed 112 college freshmen who had recently arrived on campus and were asked about people they had met since starting school. Researchers asked about two people met in the first two weeks, then followed up four and seven weeks later. In the Kansas study, students took about 43 hours and adults about 94 hours to turn acquaintances into casual friends. To go from casual friend to friend, it took 57 hours for students and 164 hours for adults.

Sometimes the trouble is the setting, not the person. In a place where few people share your interests, it can be hard to find your group. Clubs and activities built around a shared interest give people something to do together, which makes it easier to talk and bond. School clubs, sports teams and music groups are good places to meet friends. When two people like the same things, they have more to talk about, so a shared interest is an easy way to start.

After you talk with someone new, the other person usually likes you and enjoys your company more than you think they do. Feeling nervous or shy around new people is common, especially when you are not sure what to do or how others will react. Taking small steps, one at a time, helps a person feel more comfortable with new people. Visiting a new place ahead of time, or arriving early before it gets busy, can make meeting new people easier.

The CDC describes school connectedness as the belief held by students that adults and peers care about, value and support them in school. Kids feel less lonely when they have close, positive relationships and feel part of a family, a friendship or a community. Everyone feels lonely at some point, and lonely feelings fade when a person finds a way to connect, feel accepted or understood, or is reminded that they belong.

How good your friendships are counts more than how many friends you have. Most children need only one or two good friends, and some people are happiest with a few really close friends rather than lots of casual ones. Close friends help you feel that you belong.

To be a trusted friend, show up on time, do what you say you will do, and keep what friends tell you private. A good friend is a kind person, and kind matters even more than liking the same things.

Friendships need effort to keep going, and without that effort friends can drift apart, although some friendships last a whole life. Friends sometimes disagree or get angry with each other, and talking about feelings helps. Knowing how to solve a disagreement peacefully matters for friendship, and adults can teach steps such as naming the problem and cooling off.

If someone does not want to play or be friends right now, that is okay, and there will be other chances. A parent, teacher or other trusted grown-up can help you decide whether someone might make a good friend, and can help a child who finds it hard to make friends. A grown-up you trust can help.

Words to know

• reciprocal: give-and-take
• compromising: meeting halfway
• acquaintance: someone known
• elaborate: detailed
• connectedness: feeling linked