Feeling connected to other people is a basic need. It is present from birth and stays with a person throughout life. Everyone feels lonely at some point; loneliness is feeling separate or distant from others when you want to feel close, connected, or part of something. Making friends is not a magic trick. It is something people learn, and it gets easier with practice. Learning to form successful friendships is a critical skill for kids, and one they keep using and refining all their lives; being friendly to others, even people you do not know well, is one way to build social connection. Kids feel less lonely when they have close, positive relationships and feel part of a family, a friendship or a community.

Researchers at the University of Kansas estimated how many hours it takes to make a friend. Their estimate was roughly 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, 90 hours to become a friend, and more than 200 hours to become a close friend. The kind of time mattered as well as the amount. In that study, time spent hanging out and joking around counted toward friendship, but hours spent working together did not count as much; making a friend takes time together, and you cannot make one in an instant. Friendship takes time together, so try to see new friends often and check in with them in between. To be a trusted friend, show up on time, do what you say you will do, and keep what friends tell you private.

The Kansas researcher based the estimates on two groups. One was 355 adults who had moved within the last six months; the other was 112 college freshmen who had recently arrived on campus and were asked about people they had met since starting school. Students took about 43 hours and adults about 94 hours to turn acquaintances into casual friends. The kind of talk mattered too. More time talking did not by itself make friends feel closer; students grew closer through catching up on their lives, playful talk, serious conversations and showing affection, while pure small talk tended to leave them more distant. To have a friend, be one: being a good friend matters as much as having good friends.

Friendship is also an investment, and the Kansas study put numbers on that. Students who turned an acquaintance into a friend about doubled their time with that person and spent about half as much time with other friends, whose friendships did not grow. Meeting people matters too: the more people you meet and the more you try, the more likely you are to make a new friend. Friendships also take effort to keep going; without it, friends can drift apart. How good your friendships are counts more than how many friends you have. Friendships change as people grow, and some friends drift apart, but some friendships last a whole life.

Friendship depends on skills that can be named. They include handling introductions and conversation, cooperating and compromising, and apologizing and making amends. Making amends is more than saying a few words; in an experiment with 6- and 7-year-olds, children felt better only when the person who knocked down their tower helped rebuild it. Even so, an apology counts for something: children as young as 4 are more likely to forgive a peer for wrongdoing if that peer actively apologizes. Another skill is generous interpretation. When adults ask children to think of other explanations for a hurtful action, such as an accident or a bad day, children are more likely to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.

Joining a group that is already playing is a skill with a research record. In one study, mothers of preschoolers were asked what a child should do to join other children's play; the mothers who gave the best advice also had children with the best social skills. Their advice was to watch first, join in with something that fits the game, not be disruptive, and back off if the others say no. Watching for a moment before joining helps a person see what the game is. Backing off is allowed, too: if someone does not want to play or be friends right now, that is okay, and there will be other chances. People are ready to end a conversation when they give clues such as not looking at you, looking past you, doing something else, or changing the subject.

A good conversation goes back and forth. It helps to share something about yourself rather than only asking questions, and to give the other person a turn to talk. Active listening means showing you are paying attention: look at the person, face them, stay quiet while they talk, and answer in a way that fits what they said. Being a good listener also means asking what is going on in a friend's life and letting them know you hear them. Good friends listen to each other and show they are interested in what the other says. Sharing about yourself, and your feelings, helps friends feel close to you; a kind compliment is a friendly way to start talking to someone.

After you talk with someone new, the other person usually likes you and enjoys your company more than you think they do. Researchers Boothby, Cooney, Clark and Sandstrom tested this gap, which they call the liking gap, in a series of five studies; in some of them, pairs of strangers had a 5-minute conversation with icebreaker questions and then rated how much they liked each other and how much they thought their partner liked them. People seem too wrapped up in their own worries about what they should say to see the signals of liking that outside observers see right away. In a study of real college roommates, the liking gap lasted for several months rather than disappearing quickly.

Being quiet is not always the same as being shy. People who are shy often become really good listeners and are sensitive to how others feel, which can make them caring friends. There is a difference between being introverted and being shy: introverts need alone time, while shyness is about fear of rejection. Backing away from every situation that brings on shy feelings can keep shyness strong, so small steps forward help. Sometimes the trouble is the setting, not the person. In a place where few people share your interests, it can be hard to find your group; having lots of social connection does not mean a person never feels lonely, but it reduces lonely feelings and helps people get over them more quickly.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development began in 1938 with 724 participants: 268 Harvard College sophomores and 456 young adults from Boston. Researchers who study the people in that study say it is never too late: many people who thought they were no good at relationships found them at a time they did not expect. They also call keeping up a social life social fitness; like physical fitness, it is a practice, and tiny actions such as sending a text to someone you miss count. Making friends is something people learn, and it gets easier with practice. If making friends feels hard, a parent, teacher or other trusted grown-up can help you decide whether someone might make a good friend, and can help a child who finds it hard to make friends. A grown-up you trust can help.

Words to know

• acquaintance: slightly known
• investment: time given
• amends: making right
• introverts: need alone time