When a pet dies, its body stops working and does not start again; a pet that has died cannot see, hear or feel anymore, and it does not need to eat or drink. Saying so in plain words helps, and clear words like "died" help children understand what has happened; the people who loved the animal feel grief, the natural way people feel when they lose someone they love, and that includes a pet. Most people feel grief when they lose something or someone important to them, and there is no right or wrong way to feel; grief is not one feeling. Sadness, anger and loneliness are some of the feelings people can have when a pet dies. People can feel guilty about what they did or did not do; some feel ashamed to be so upset.

Children may blame themselves, but it is not the fault of the child, and a child needs to hear that; grieving a beloved pet can feel as big as grieving a person, and that is normal. Many people feel the same sorrow after losing a pet as after losing a person, but others may not recognize it; that last point has a name. Grief for a pet is sometimes not openly recognized or supported by others, and the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement calls this disenfranchised grief. Such sorrow can go unseen by the people around it; friends who have never had a pet may not know how to help, or may not understand how big the loss feels. The bond people form with pets is unique and personal, and so is the grief when they die; grief also has no neat schedule.

Sadness about a pet does not follow a set number of days; it can come in waves, so a person can feel better and then feel sad again. A veterinary college says grieving a pet is more like a winding road with setbacks than a straight line, and that there is no "normal" timeline. Feelings of grief may not be there all the time, and powerful feelings can appear unexpectedly. They usually become less strong with time; a person can grieve as much or as little as they need, and for as long as they need. Healthy grieving does not mean forgetting; grieving in a healthy way does not mean you forget a pet or "get over" it. It means you accept the loss and can remember the pet with less sadness. Replaying a pet's last days over and over is common, and the Humane Society suggests focusing on the life shared and favorite memories; it also says holding in sadness can make grief last longer.

Memories of a pet can bring comfort months and even years after it has died. Age changes how grief looks; many children younger than about eight or nine find it hard to understand that death is permanent. Children grieve a pet just as intensely as adults, a veterinary hospital says, but they often show it differently. Some cry, some get quiet, and some seem fine at first; children often ask the same questions again and again, and that is normal. Cornell's vet college says adults should welcome children into the conversation, be honest, and let them ask questions; a university guide says young children may need pictures or play to put feelings into words, pre-teens may avoid a topic when afraid, and teens often need time to themselves or with friends.

Pre-teens may ignore or avoid topics when they are afraid, and it helps to allow space for discomfort; the RSPCA says the goal is not to make children talk, but to let them know they can talk if they want to. Talking while walking or doing something together can take some pressure off hard conversations, especially for older children. There are many ways to put grief somewhere. Colorado State University counselors say drawings, poems, play and helping with a memorial give children other ways to show grief; writing in a journal can help a person understand their thoughts and feelings. Children can choose their own part in honoring a pet, which helps them keep their own special bond with it. Hugs, playing outside and spending time with friends are ways to feel better when you are sad, and keeping the daily routine of meals, bedtime and play helps a family cope.

A university guide says shielding children from loss can keep them from building resilience and coping skills; it is also okay for children to see adults being sad about a pet. A vet can help a very sick animal die peacefully, without a long time of feeling sick; each person in a family can feel and show sadness in a different way. A child can also be given the chance to say goodbye to a pet before it is buried. Support is out there. People and families believe different things about death; ask yours. Grown-ups who can listen include parents, a teacher, a school counselor and a vet; children can talk about their feelings with a grown-up, and grown-ups should listen. Talking with one of them is a good place to start.

Words to know

• grief: deep sadness
• disenfranchised: not recognized
• resilience: bouncing back
• permanent: lasting forever